| Aug. 21st, 2006 @ 05:03 am No Subject Specified |
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I suppose I'll update...
Well, it looks like I have a job hauling sheetrock. Whilst it is beneath my skillset.... by a lot... I'm not going to complain. Yes, I get a tremendous paycut, but I will be doing actual physical labor, which is nice, cause sitting in front of a computer sucks.
Yes. I am a computer guy. Although I may have extensive knowledge about computers, I hate the fucking machines. Oh boy do I hate them. It's just where the money is at.
But now I can get into shape. I've been lifting weights again, cause after my surgery I wasn't able to work out anymore. Then a little before that, I got a desk job. Doesn't really do much for the physique, ya know?
I've been dealing wioth a lot of stress, even resorting to smoking. I don't smoke... Oh wait, now I do. Phooey.
My friend Jenny has had serious issues regarding her relationship with Jeremy. I told her one of the main reasons I'm single is because I do not want to deal with that kind of drama. I've dealt with far too much, so even the slightest hint of drama, I tend to bail nowadays, or just plain ignore it.
But there are other reasons. Oh yes. But these other reasons cause drama in and of themselves. Nothing external, just internal. Like a part of me is screaming at myself "Is this fucking worth it??"
...
Then I backhand that bastard and knee him in the groin and say "Of course it is." Then I wake up the next morning pissing blood. You know how it goes.
I used to be so different from how I am now. I think I may have gotten off track. My main goal in life was to make others happy, to protect them. Thats what I used to do. I protected the people I love. Now.... I just don't care anymore. These people just sapped and sapped away at my energy without giving shit back. I used to care. Now I don't.
There are still a few people I have hope for though, and will stand by them until the end, although my better judgement is hitting me over and over again with a rolled up newspaper yelling "No! No. Bad Robbie!"
I've even gotten to the point where I sometimes think to myself:
*sigh* "Can't this person just kill themselves yet? It would make my life so much easier."
Yes it's a horrible thing to think, and I'm a horrible person.
Deal with it.
I am naturally a hateful and violent person. The reason people got to see the lovable side of me (a side that was forcefully created, I might add) was just the by product of a female named Jessica, or Jeica, as her friends like to call her. I created that side of me for and because of her.
BUT, I gave it another shot, and another, and yet another. And while I did make my own mistakes (a byproduct of my natural self or based on pure ignorance), The other people also corroded away at this new and wonderful feeling for me.
So I am about to throw in the towel and call it a final failed experiment, I suppose you can call it.
But I am going to give it a couple more shots, but I am getting a little antsy. I am thinking of one person in particular actualy, and this girl has got to be some hot shit for me to deal with this. Also, this run also has a high chance of outright failure, and yet I'm still willing to give it a shot... I just wish I was more patient.
The same thing also applies to some of my friends, like say, Jenny, Izzie, or Becca. Becca I have not run into too many issues with, therefore I have no feeling of exhaustion with her. She needs to, however, come and fucking hang out at my apartment sometime before she has her kid and her life is basically ruined.
Yes, I hate children. Go me.
Izzie... Hot damn I don't even know why I'm still friends with her. I suppose it may have to do with the fact that she was an important part of my life and the development of my ...newness.
I still miss those days. I think I may miss them the most out of everything, including my year long run with Anna. I suppose I miss the innocent feel of it.
But, like everything else, that all ended violently and bitterly. To this day, I still don't know why.
Jenny and I have been through a lot together... sometimes I feel that it was more bad than not, but judging from all the times that she's hated me.... Yeah you get the point.
I'm gonna stick by her, mainly because I know her pretty well. I know the family she had to deal with all her life, her idiot boyfriends, one of them including me... But yes. I understand a lot of her shit she has, so I can brush aside a lot of the negative aspects.
I realized I may have a misguided concept of love.... because it doesn't fucking LAST. So, going off this realization, I'm now leaning toward something different. Something that feels a little bit different than normal... And I'm latching onto it. Obviously, there is indeed a girl I'm crazy for right now, and it feels different than it usually does. Not quite sure what it is, but I like it, and I want to stick with it.
But, like everything good for me... there is a catch. There always is. This time its a big one too....
Does something just NOT want me happy?? |
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